Saturday, January 14

Light

The shadows fall long by mid afternoon here in the middle of New York state and if I've woken when the light begins to dip across our bedroom floor, I've slept too late.

Words to keyboard to blog post come hesitantly these days and I wonder, why not just end it, why not just give it up? Is it just another commitment; another thing to do while children grow like weeds into pants an inch too short and the eldest daughter sprouts lovelier and lovelier by the day?

Why force my thoughts into acceptable words, double check that I haven't left any cause to offend anyone, make sure to keep a little left out, that bit of the sacred that belongs to just us as a family, and wonder still: what do I possibly have to share that isn't drivel?

Every year our church has a time of fasting and prayer set aside in January. In what is typically and without fail the bleakest and darkest time in our surrounding environment, we view the darkness and bleakness in ourselves and plead our souls His light.

Our children have LED flashlights they received as gifts and these flashlights, it seems, are invaluable on a homestead. They routinely search out a wayward turkey roosting in the drain ditch, or the torn up old garden, or on a fence, or anywhere but in the coop where she should be. They shine in my face in the middle of the night, held by a child taking a bathroom trip, highlight the cobwebs strung across the basement beams, seek a hider in a closet, or find unmentionable atrocities underneath the sofa while in search of a small missing shoe.

God's light is like this in my life right now. There is a lot of searching and sorting through my heart, shaking and sifting, leading and guiding, putting things as they should be, sweeping out of those unmentionable atrocities from underneath the sofa of my soul.
I feel His spirit saying:

be still


be quiet


hold fast


hold tight


while this inner house of mine is searched and rumbled and shaken about.

I am comforted by knowing that it is Jesus at work in me, sorting out junk and scrubbing floors caked with crud and finding old shoes and ill fitting dresses in dark closets, which may sound cliche, depending on one's background, but is the solid, strong truth of things in this season. I'm beginning to feel like one feels after a good, solid cry and the gasping for air and shaking shoulders and snot running is gone and there is that huge, amazing feeling of relief and a brighter outlook is shimmy-ing over the morning hill in rose and yellow hues splayed across the sky.


Well, honestly, maybe I'm still at the wiping snot stage but I see those pretty hues rising.


Thank you, for frequenting this little nook of mine. I don't know that I like what it is and I don't know what it will be but you're welcome to hang on for the ride.


Hannah

10 comments:

Emily said...

Hannah you are such an inspiration to me. I've been reading your blog for a few years now and every time I read I go away inspired. God is truly speaking through you!

I pray that as He works through this time in your life that you and your family are blessed.

Blondee said...

Keep on keepin' on...

Laura said...

I have enjoyed and been inspired by your blog for several years too. I admire your willingness to expose yourself and your feelings, and I'm sorry if people hurt or attack you. God bless you and your lovely family.

Sarah said...

I second everything Emily says, such an inspiration. This morning my growing family (I'm 30 weeks pregnant with number 4) including my husband will make our now regular visit to church. Both the baby and the church going was something we had been sat on the fence about for a while. It was your blog that gave us the kick we needed to make the changes in our lives that we wanted. Thank you. Stay strong during your early personal spring clean. Sarah x

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much Hannah for your blog. It is truly wonderful and I really appreciate you going to the effort just for us. God bless you and your precious family. Linda

Katie said...

Hannah, I don't share your faith, but I find the way you live, the way you strive to be the best wife and mother and person that you can be absolutely inspirational. I only hope that I'll do as good a job when I become a mother.

Anonymous said...

I am with Sarah.. you could not have said it better.

sue in NJ

Laryssa Herbert said...

Please keep writing. It's a blessing to hear from your heart. I always leave encouraged.

mira said...

Yours is one of the very first blogs I returned to regularly enough to bookmark and later add to my bloglines. In part because we are sort of neighbors (at least the same end of the state), but primarily because of the beautiful and honest glimpse at the life of a normal (really!) Christian mother that you share. As a young Christian mother myself, I thank you for your internet presence!

Alison said...

Beautiful. Your blog is my absolute favorite.