Wednesday, February 23

A Too Long Post

The papa sits with his bundle, a gift from the children and I for Christmas, a set of carving tools for the carpenter. In his hand a board of plain but untouched wood, beautifully grained and smooth to the touch. Potential. His rough hand runs over it before I grimace and watch him cut that first slice into it. It seems I can feel down deep in my soul that cut. Me replacing the board in Someone else's hands.

When I am alone, I ask Him, "As broken as I feel... am I to be broken further? Am I to the half way point yet, Lord? Where now I can look forward to the mend, the healing, the road back to normal... or is there more to endure?" In my mind, I am thinking: "I can't take much more of this. I want normal. I want sane. I want reliable earth under my feet."

He answers,
unhurried and calm as the lake on a breeze-less day.

" 'A bruised reed He will not break...'
Isaiah said that about Me, you know."

And I remember. I hang on those words for days.

Then He asks:

"Do you really want to go back there
... to your 'normal'?"
He lays the question out before me and at first I scoff, OF COURSE I do. I crave normal! Who likes feeling everything so deeply?

Then I think of the past summer, some of the conversations Sean and I had...good conversations. I think of Addie's coming and the upheaval, like birthing her opened a dam within me. I think of the mourning now behind me, the flame of healing lit within me and the resolution that I would call things as they were and daily, daily, daily begin my day with praising Him. And I do.

Meanwhile, He carves on. Hands sure and steady and intentional with His sharp tools.

"Probably not," I answer, sweeping the old "normal" off the list of hopefuls in my mind.
"I just want to know... You won't leave me this way, right? I mean.... whatever it is that You are doing in me, this making me absurdly emotional and soft and pliable and extremely mush-like... I'm not going to stay half-baked or half-done forever, am I?"

Slow and deliberate, He anwers:
"'I am confident of this very thing, He who began a good work
in you will perform it
until the day of Christ Jesus...'
do you remember that one?"

I look it up. Philippians 1:6. And then I look up "perform" in the concordance and find:
Perform: from the Greek word epiteleo:
1) to bring to an end, accomplish, perfect, execute, complete
a) to take upon one's self

"So I won't be broken forever, lonely forever - like winter will never end and I hate the dark and cold and the silence of not having community around us, all this won't be blaring in my ears forever, sort of broken?" I'm sobbing now. Really. This is lousy. I hate crying. I'm a grown woman, I should have stopped crying when I ten, right? Bleh.

He whispers. I promise He does. In our cries of desperation, He'll never stand cold and silent. To my brokenness, He speaks completeness. And I am realizing that what I call broken, He sees as opportunity. What I see as bare and open and raw, He sees as a bit of brown earth and plugs in something to grow.

His answer:
"And you are complete in Me,
which is the head of all principality and power."

I look that one up to. Colosians 2:10 and then because I'm a nerd, I look up the Greek and hang.on.every.word for *complete*. Everything I am so not feeling right now. All the questions I've been asking, I'm sure I've been to God like the four year old who asks "why" to everything but He silences me, stills my soul on the word *complete*:
Before me I read, from the Greek word pleroo:

1) to make full, to fill up, i.e. to fill to the full
a) to cause to abound, to furnish or supply liberally

1) I abound, I am liberally supplied

2) to render full, i.e. to complete
a) to fill to the top: so that nothing shall be wanting to full measure, fill to the brim
b) to consummate: a number

1) to make complete in every particular, to render perfect

2) to carry through to the end, to accomplish, carry out, (some undertaking)
c) to carry into effect, bring to realisation, realise

1) of matters of duty: to perform, execute

2) of sayings, promises, prophecies, to bring to pass, ratify, accomplish

3) to fulfil, i.e. to cause God's will (as made known in the law) to be obeyed as it should be, and God's promises (given through the prophets) to receive fulfilment

Really, it is a beautiful promise. For you and for me. Where I lack, He shores me up, when I'm dry and pasty and empty, He fills me to overflowing, and so I'm blaming all these extra emotional, can't watch/hear/talk about a news story or see a refugee or think the word "orphan" or hear ugliness spoken in haste, or hear of another family breaking apart without BAWLING. Yes, I blame this on Him. I do. And I thank Him. Because I was a pretty stoic woman back in my "normal" and now I *think* I feel what He feels and my kids are just going to have to get used to a blubbering mama. :)

~ It is Valentines morning. The kids are giggly and scurrying and whispery and the empty pink tissue box that steps in as our valentine mail box is plopped on the breakfast table, brimming with papers cut and pasted and envelopes licked in shades of red and pink. The papa is the mailman and our kids gush and giggle over the mail from each other. He slides his hand, palm down, in front of me, looks me in the eyes and kisses me. Underneath his hand is a wood pendant, a flower missing one petal carved beautiful and smooth. Eyes full of life, I read his inscription on the back. "To Hannah: that you may always know summer and never winter. Love, Sean."


sarah said...

I'm not as articulate as yourself Hannah, so I'll try to put this as best I can. Have you ever thought these emotions you feel are all part of His 'grand plan' so you will blog about them and people will read (such as myself - 1000's of miles away) and relate and find strength in your words and trust again in their Faith? I do. I think you have quite a gift. Sarah x

Me said...

Thank you, Sarah. Thank you much...

New Mom said...

This post stirred me...

Sommer said...

Hannah~Thank you for sharing! I agree with Sarah...perhaps God is using you to reach out to some of us others out here that are raw and scared right now! I feel really fragile and numb these days...but your words(and sharing of scripture/meanings) was something needed!

May you feel the Lords warmth today and may you know that you help others when you share.

Lots of love,

Lecia said...

What a wonderful post, so full of thought. You have captured truly being in His presence, something He is speaking to me about right now.

Anonymous said...

I usually read your blog after I have put the kids down for their naps. I am tired and not feeling up to all that has to be finished for the day. Your posts up point me in the right direction and refocus on Who will help me do all that needs to be done through me. Thank you for your steadfastness and faith in Christ.

WhatIfWeAllCared? said...

Wow! Beautiful! Yes, the journey from ourselves to who He wants us to be is tear filled. I have become very over-sensitive again as He molds me. I care like a little child cares with the ability to act on that caring that I never had before. He is Awesome!!!

Karen said...

I have to agree with Sarah. Thank you for being so open and bringing our focus back on the Word of God.
That is what keeps us stable.
Isa 33:6 And wisdom and knowledge shall be the stability of thy times
and strength of salvation: the fear of the Lord is his treasure. (Knowing and using the Word of God in our lives is crucial)

stacie-n-joe said...

Wow Hannah, I have and do feel exactly the same way. I can't watch or listen to any stories about tragedy or loss without bawling (even before being pregnant) and have been wondering if I will ever feel "normal" again. For the past 2 years I've shut myself off from any news information to keep myself sane. Your post gave me more to think about in this respect. Thank you