Sunday, April 13

Disappointment and weekend photos

Sean spent a few hours this morning tilling for me. This is the garden from an upstairs window. Each row is about seven feet wide. The far right row contains peas that we've already planted and beans too. This week we'll put some homemade cloches over the beans to warm them up a bit. I know I was early on planting them, being so anxious for spring. It was a bitterly cold day today. Sean started a fire and I am basking in its glow at this moment before pulling my tired body up from the sofa and into bed.
All week long I've been thinking of writing about disappointment but to be completely truthful, I don't feel like I have any new or great wisdom to share on the subject. Just some simple thoughts.

The feeling of disappointing other people, I hate. Dread it. It is just part of my personality to get along with everyone, not cause conflict, and be the peacemaker. I love being able to do what is expected of me and what I expect of myself. Nothing hurts me worse than knowing something is expected of me that I cannot fulfill.
As this pregnancy draws to its glorious end and my body tries to negotiate with back pain, I am trying to be mindful that sometimes limitations are good and have a purpose. My midwife told me to be lazy these last three weeks and I laughed. Not planning on going that far, I do see that I need to take it easy and listen to my body and realize that I can't make everyone happy all the time.
(tubby in the kitchen sink after rubbing dinner's pasta in her hair)
According to Townsend and Cloud, authors I highly respect, this is an issue of pride. Gulp.
I'm honestly repentant.
I really do take pride in being a good Mama and wife and keeping a happy home and loving on my family.
Just some silly, simply ways I am negotiating with my back and with the whole disappointment issue:
1.) Find a pleasing alternative.
I really can't pick our almost two year old up and carry her around though she would like me to. Sitting and cuddling and reading a story works just about as well.
Our kids have a set chore list but I will gladly pay them extra for doing extra things to help me out.
(meat chickens = lazy, gettin' fat chickens)
2.) Ask for help.
I hate asking for help. Sean has been wonderful at stepping in and helping with breakfast for the kids. I love him to death and appreciate him so much.

3.) Let some things slide.
Prioritize what is most important and let the little things get done as they will. Around here, the laundry has taken second place to a lot of other things.
(helping Papa with wiring)
4.) Pray.
I really and truly see where I need the Lord's help here. Not just with being prideful where home is concerned and having to let things go against the way I'd like but with developing that peaceful spirit I seek after.
5.) Apologize.
I think I have apologized more in the last week to my sweet kiddos than ever before. Pain makes me grumpy and I hate that. I'd much rather be the peaceful Mama with endless patience!
6.) Don't let guilt lie where it doesn't own a bed.
Sure there are some things I'm guilty of but sometimes there are other expectations put on me that I am not responsible before God for fulfilling. I pray for the wisdom and grace to know the difference.

7.) Be thankful.
I have been trying extra hard to tell the kids how much I appreciate their help and good behavior. I love seeing their faces when I compliment them. It is priceless.

Have a peaceful night, everyone.


Niki said...

You've so much to be thankful for, Hannah. I've enjoyed your photos and post tremendously!

Pam said...

I appreciated this post and the one after that shows that you are doing some resting by surfing the net and looking at beauty in other people's homes. I'm sure your post hits home to most mothers who care about their family and dread having regrets as their kids grow up and leave the nest. The Lord has given you insight in disappointment - and this is good! You will be reminded, as you have also reminded others, so that as you struggle, you will turn back to Truth! Rest and savor these last weeks!